Margaret maria's musings

Loves Loving Love  

Loves Loving Love

‘The Goddess of Edges shows her heart and feels the tenderness of her lover gently caressing her face and letting her soar…her heart is singing, her spirit is dancing…she is speechless…how beautiful is this world of love…pure light is shining from within her.’ - M 

There is music constantly running through me.  I’m like an energy stash that stores up emotions and transforms them into music…and when I’m not in this process, I feel like something is wrong…like the wind goes out of my sails and I am rudderless.  So I create the energy I need to feel alive…the power of the love I need to feel…to recover, to heal and to breathe love into every note I make. 

Love is the only way I can survive…to be love…love in action…a day without love is a day wasted…a world without love is a world living inside darkness… 

I am sure now that love is our source…it is our life’s purpose and challenge and reason for being… 

To be curious and  brave, to find love in every tiny gesture, around every corner, within our deepest being, in every  moment, in every word we say and in every action we take… 

If the world were to truly love, the goddesses would rejoice…the world would heal…the secret of life would be revealed in its most divine… 

‘The artist recoils in pain and raises himself in defiance…knowing he deserves love and yet denies it to himself. He grasps to protect the innocence that is love…the innocence at the heart of life…rising to fight for that innocence…against all odds he is willing to sacrifice even himself…’ - Listen 3 - M.

She Burns   

The Goddesses rage against the so called god, who has made himself the arbitrator of humanity.  Killing at will, careless in his indiscriminate abuse of power over the helpless. The god who chooses suffering and evil over kindness and compassion, is not my god. This is not the god that I accept nor the creator of this world that I can live with. Everything in me rejects our existence…that such vile energy exists and was put on this earth.  The suffering of the artist depicted in such anguish and pain…through timeless space…it is too much to bear. 

Born in another time, I would have surely been burned at the stake. It doesn’t escape me now, that I live a very fortunate existence…in a peaceful country…shielded from most direct hits of earth’s horrors. Yet, I travel so fast through space and time…sometimes aimlessly shooting my energy out into the world where it is not being welcomed or received… 

Yet to stop, if I stop creating energy, the energy vital for my music to be found and born, then I feel absolutely helpless and devoid of purpose and that’s even more painful to sit in that discomfort. 

Which discomfort should I choose today? I choose the discomfort of burning…feeling the burning eyes and minds of pious humans…burning right through me…and of this god…who has placed burning inside me and inside those I love…those who can’t reciprocate because they are too afraid, or too hurt, or too confused…who’s bravery and voice has been taken away and their love hidden so far away…their energy withdrawing from my sphere… 

Here is all that misplaced energy…from my discomfort… 

Not sure you can enjoy this…it is not to enjoy…it is to experience and revel in the power of my energy… 

Burn Her…She Burns… 

‘Find what you love and let it kill you.’ - Charles Bukowski.

(I busted my bow in the production of this track 😞...but luckily it is able to be fixed and I will use my carbon fibre bow for the more violent articulations in the future!! Thank you to the SoundPost for helping me out with a loaner and David T. for the repair!)

It wasn't just the plug...it took a chunk of wood out of the tip and has to be reinforced and put back together!  

Goddess of Edges   

I fight my trajectory every step of the way. I know what has to happen but I don’t want to go there, and yet there lies the most power I have in my body. 

To create in a state of receptivity to all my worlds colliding or aligning, all my feelings raw and exposed, I need to be unmistakably, abysmally, achingly, utterly bereft of help or solace or belonging to this world…taken over by the spirit world where my music exists and I just need to bring it inside me, towards me, welcome it with open arms and heart, with complete unadulterated bravery…with courage I can’t muster here on earth, but harnessing the courage and fear of the bravest souls who fight fear in their moments of truth…knowing that we are transient and made of stardust and we will return to dust soon enough. To find my music, I must dissolve into dust to become one with it…one with the star…and float in that agape uncertainty, which eventually turns into certainty but only as music…the music that I can float inside of and it saves me…one tiny note at a time, it saves me to create my future music…until my journey here is done. 

The Goddess of Edges lives between things…in a place of great energy and friction…she is liminal and achingly beautiful and transcendent in her balancing of the heavens and the earth.  She exists within me as I write this and as I search for this next music…she can bear the tension of paradox and the states of being that hover between particle and wave…seamlessly moving between the two. She is everywhere and she feels everything…she is this music…she and I are one.

 

I no longer pray for peace   

 

Photo: Mark Maryanovich Photography

As I sit here in Toronto looking out my window at my slice of peace, my mind and soul is hovering over the war in the Ukraine and the millions of people affected by tyranny and the mental illness of an individual who places no value on human life.  All of me is screaming at the injustice.  

None of us will get out of this life's journey alive...but surely if we know better, we must strive for that in every breath we breathe, in every decision we make. War must stop, selfishness on such a global scale must be thwarted.  I can only make this music...a symbol of good over evil...of the fight of everyday citizens of the Ukraine, arming themselves and fighting for their sovereignty.   

My music is a way of fighting...stop the war and find a way to limit the deaths and upheaval of hundreds of thousands of refugees who are fleeing.  This is unconscionable...every war is...all violence towards another fellow human being is... 

This music started out as this poem...after watching Russia invade the democratic Ukraine 5 days ago...and finished as a call for a miracle and honouring the bravery of the citizens who are staying to fight as the bombs keep falling. 

 

“I No Longer Pray For Peace” 

On the edge of war, one foot already in, 

I no longer pray for peace: 
I pray for miracles. 

I pray that stone hearts will turn 
to tenderheartedness, 
and evil intentions will turn 
to mercifulness, 
and all the soldiers already deployed 
will be snatched out of harm’s way, 
and the whole world will be 
astounded onto its knees. 

I pray that all the “God talk” 
will take bones, 
and stand up and shed 
its cloak of faithlessness, 
and walk again in its powerful truth. 

I pray that the whole world might 
sit down together and share 
its bread and its wine. 

Some say there is no hope, 
but then I’ve always applauded the holy fools 
who never seem to give up on 
the scandalousness of our faith: 
that we are loved by God…… 
that we can truly love one another. 

I no longer pray for peace: 
I pray for miracles. 

Poem by Ann Weems

healing my heart  

My new album is about to be released and my own heart is in crisis.  This music has kept me company when my emotions were too overpowering to control.  I am so sad for the loss of something very special in my life and I don't know how to reconcile anything.  Life is just so unpredictable.  My great love has disappeared and I am searching.  I need this music now more than ever.  Maybe it will help those who hear it just as much as it is keeping the storm of life at bay from an undertow.  

About my new album: Feeling helpless limitation in my human form is a recurring theme throughout my life. But nothing has felt more helpless than the pandemic that paused 2020 around the globe with the fear of great loss of life in the world and close to home, followed by my own health issues and subsequent Covid near death experience that my sister had endured this year.  How we cope with being spirits in such an imperfect human world, how we bond, how we express, how we continue to remain strong, is a testament to who we are.  Expressing emotions and connecting with love and care to the world around us is all we really have in the end. We can’t hold onto anything or anyone, and it’s even more apparent when we are ill or gravely suffering.  This music is born of this helplessness in the hope that it can be helpful to others…it can offer some healing, some understanding, some comfort, some strength when we feel weak or when words fail us.

Words are failing me now...for now I will be quiet and let my music speak for me...for now...M.

Photo: Andy Wright Photography 

at a crossroads  

Stopping to think and reassess is where I'm at right now.  Nothing like a global pandemic to make us stop in our tracks as artists, to hear what needs to be said and expressed. So much music has run through me and into the world in the last 7 years since I quit my main job as cellist with the National Arts Centre Orchestra.  11 studio albums later, 3 licensing albums, my first world premiere for full orchestra, becoming a Associate Composer of the Canadian Music Centre, I am wondering where to turn next.  BTW, I never in my life imagined I would be a composer and in this place in my life (I just didn't know any of this music existed until it started opening up for me in my early 40's) Hence, this new website and the generous guidance of Steve Waxman, who brings to me a perspective that is opposite of where I came from.  What is my music?  What am I trying to say?  Where is my path leading to and why do I get lost sometimes? All of this to say, this crossroads is now a place to dream of what my music of the future will be.  

Check out my new website on Banzoogle...as it takes shape and expresses all the aspects of me and my music.